Most Sarcastic Quotes and Status 2017


  •  I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
  • 2.) Anyone can make you happy by doing something special but only someone special can make you happy without doing anything.
  • 3.) The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket
  • 4.) If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s tripods with one leg missing.
  • 5.) Can you catch? I think I’m falling for you.
  • 6.) The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
  • 7.) Never argue with stupid people; they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience
  • 8.) he only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets
  • 9.) I wonder if Bono has found what he’s looking for yet? Although, if you’re reading this Bono, I’d try down the side of the couch.
  • 10.) The road to success is always under construction.
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  • 11.) Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.

  • 12.) I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

  • 13.) Thanks to Twitter, I can’t go anywhere without my mobile. Quick question. Do I take this man to be my lawfully wedded husband?

  • 14.) Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.

  • 15.) Constipated people don’t give a crap.

  • 16.) Well-behaved women rarely make history.

  • 17.) I intend to live forever, or die trying .

  • 18.) A blind man walks into a bar…. and a table… and a chair.

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  • 19.) I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older … younger.

  • 20.) Sex is like pizza. When it’s good, it’s good. When it’s bad, it’s still petty good.

  • 21.) Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!

  • 22.) You know, swinging children upside down really opens doors for you.

  • 23.) You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.

  • 24.) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

  • 25.) I rub shampoo in my eyes every morning to prepare for the pain of the day.

  • 26.) The police are on the way to arrest you for stealing my heart, hijacking my feelings, and driving me crazy.

  • 27.) You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.


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  • 28.) If you are reading this, congrats you know how to read..

  • 29.) Every bad situation will have something positive, Even a stopped clock shows correct time twice a day. Think positive=SUCCESS

  • 30.) Every single moment counts. When you add them all up, they equal your life.

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  • 31.) I am going to start cleaning my house. And by cleaning, i mean drinking beer and spraying everything with febreze.

  • 32.) If you like me, tell Me. if you miss me show it and if you love me, PROVE IT

  • 33.) Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

  • 34.) If there is a *WILL*, there are 500 relatives.

  • 35.) No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

  • 36.) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

  • 37.) It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.

  • 38.) Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies

  • 39.) Two word’s guys hate DON’T and STOP, unless you put them together 🙂

  • 40.) That awkward moment when you keep talking & you don`t realize your friend walked away.

  • 41.) Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

  • 42.) The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.

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  • 43.) If you expect the world to be fair with you b’coz you are fair with them. It’s like expecting a lion not to eat you b’coz you don’t eat lion.

  • 44.) Do you know the difference between a lady and a woman? A lady does what she’s told and a woman does what she dam well pleases!

  • 45.) I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

  • 46.) I’m not 40, I’m eighteen with 22 years experience…

  • 47.) The only people that can accurately weigh up the pros and cons are prison guards.

  • 48.) What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.

  • 49.) Don’t be ashamed to be different. Be proud that God made you like no one else.

  • 50.) I have finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says, “for extra volume and body.”

  • 51.) My life, My choices, My mistakes, My lessons, Not your business.

  • 52.) That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you slowly put another dish in the sink.

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  • 53.) Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died

  • 54.) The best way to predict the future is to create it

  • 55.) Whatever you do, good or bad, people will always have something negative to say.

  • 56.) If you are reading this, congrats you know how to read..

  • 57.) I think its time I let go of the past, live in the present, and look forward to the future.

  • 58.) Is it just me that finds the abbreviation for the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons amusing?

  • 59.) Can I take your picture?? I love to collect pictures of natural disasters..

  • 60.) I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

  • 61.) Sometimes its easier to say that you dont care than to explain all the reasons why you still do.

  • 62.) Doctors finally figured out whats wrong with a boys brain; on the left side, there’s nothing right; and on the right side, there’s nothing left…

  • 63.) YES! Pandora I am still listening. Why so needy?

  • 64.) Dont count your days. Make your days count.

  • 65.) Relationships do not need promises, terms, and conditions. It just needs two wonderful people one who can trust and one who can understand.

  • 66.) Do you know the difference between a lady and a woman? A lady does what she’s told and a woman does what she dam well pleases!

  • 67.) It’s amazing listening to Italian opera, being moved and not really knowing why. Although I think it’s because the kids don’t like it.

  • 68.) It is said that all things grow with love, but I have found a flash of cleavage helps too. Except with tomatoes….

  • 69.) Some relationships are like tom and Jerry, they irritate each other, they tease each other, but they still can’t live without each other..

  • 70.) Fear can hold you prisoner, hope can set you free.

  • 71.) When you feel alone, just look at the spaces between you fingers, and remember that’s where my fingers fit perfectly.

  • 72.) Man, kids really do ask some tough questions. One just came up to me and said “what’s Nicolas Cage’s worst film?” How do you even answer that?

  • 73.) I follow the quote, “Always be true to yourself” because I only lie to others!

  • 74.) I`m jealous of my parents, i`ll never have a kid as cool as theirs…

  • 75.) Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

  • 76.) I was once stood up by a policeman. But I was so drunk I fell straight back down again.

  • 77.) Always remember you’re unique — just like everyone else.

  • 78.) There are three things life brings us: tears, smiles and memories. Tears gets wipe away. A smile fades away. But memories last a lifetime.

  • 79.) If opportunity doesn’t knock build a door

  • 80.) He who laughs last, didn’t get it.

  • 200+ Best Funny Quotes For Facebook 2016
  • 200+ Best Funny Quotes For Facebook 2016
  • 81.) You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly

  • 82.) Relationship is like a book, it takes few seconds to burn but years to write. So write it carefully n never let it burn.

  • 83.) Half of the people in the world are below average

  • 84.) Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

  • 85.) When you tell a lie, think of it as peeing in the pool. Let it out slow. Don’t let facial expressions give you away.

  • 86.) He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

  • 87.) Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

  • 88.) Live now. Make now always the most precious time. Now will never come again.

  • 89.) Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go

  • 90.) Wearing a shrug, like I just don’t care.

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  • 91.) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room

  • 92.) Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

  • 93.) We need not think alike to love alike.

  • 94.) That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you slowly put another dish in the sink.

  • 95.) A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice.

  • 96.) Important announcement: I’ve just seen the cows going home. We can all stop everything we’re doing!

  • 97.) Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

  • 98.) Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.

  • 99.) I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.

  • 100.) Thinks I feel great when I go to bed drunk. I wake up feeling crap. Obviously sleep is bad for you.

  • 101.) People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

  • 102.) Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

  • 103.) I stopped fighting my inner demons, were on the same side now.

  • 104.) I know it’s sad but I really want to take a slow cruise to China, so I can update my Facebook status with “…is in a real Asian ship.”

  • 105.) I follow the quote, “Always be true to yourself” because I only lie to others!

  • 106.) First they ignore you then they laugh at you then they fight you then you win

  • 107.) Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

  • 108.) My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

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  • 109.) When we love, it is not necessary to understand what is happening outside, because everything happens inside us instead.

  • 110.) I am going to start cleaning my house. And by cleaning, i mean drinking beer and spraying everything with febreze.

  • 111.) The mother-daughter bond is a strong one, but I’ve just discovered the idiot-playing-with-superglue bond is stronger

  • 112.) Finally feeling accepted by my b/f’s mum with an invite to a family meal tonight. Bit nervous though. It’s been a while since I last waitressed.

  • 113.) You know, I don’t think all this time on Twitter WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT WALKING ACROSS THE SCREEN! has affected me at all.

  • 114.) I may be old enough to know better, but I am STILL young enough to DO IT..

  • 115.) Laziness is the mother of all bad habbits but ultimately she is a MOTHER and we should respect her.

  • 116.) I’m a smart person, I just do stupid things.

  • 117.) Never leave on tomorrow, which u can do today.

  • 118.) Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

  • 119.) Just because you have a heart, it does not make you a human. You need to have emotions in that.

  • 120.) You know, I joined People Per Hour over six months ago. and they haven’t sent me a single person in all that time.

  • 121.) 3 steps to move on. CTRL + ALT + DEL. Control yourself, look for an alternate solution & delete the situation that hurts you.

  • 122.) My mobile phone keeps telling me it’s unable to perform operations. I am relieved. I wouldn’t want it to start one on me when i’m not expecting it.

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  • 200+ Best Funny Quotes For Facebook 2016
  • 123.) Whe&n some$one with 0 follow##ers sends me a tweet wit-h a link say0ing “you HAVE t~o see th:is,” nothing happens wh$$en you click it right?

  • 124.) We always overestimate our worries & underestimate our potential.

  • 125.) The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not

  • 126.) I have finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says, “for extra volume and body.”

  • 127.) Death is hereditary.

  • 128.) Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

  • 129.) Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.

  • 130.) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police

  • 131.) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

  • 132.) How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air-freshener.

  • 133.) If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button

  • 134.) Wishes are always granted but you just have to wait for the perfect time.

  • 135.) I’m not 40, I’m eighteen with 22 years experience…

  • 136.) That’s so sweet when couples act like bestfriends and bestfriends act like couples.

  • 137.) I’m not getting older, I’m just becoming a classic..

  • 138.) Every heart has a pain. Only the way of expressing it is different. Fools hide it in eyes, while brilliant hide it in their smile.

  • 139.) I’m a smart person, I just do stupid things.

  • 140.) When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

  • 141.) You can ignore me for as long as you want, but you can never change the memories that I brought in your life.

  • 142.) Doctors finally figured out whats wrong with a boys brain; on the left side, there’s nothing right; and on the right side, there’s nothing left…

  • 143.) Love has 4 letters, but so does Hate; Friends has 7 letters, but so does Enemies; Truth has 5 letters, but so does Lying.

  • 144.) Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

  • 145.) This Wii console is rubbish! I’ve been crying all day—nothing. Not even a hug.

  • 146.) The best way to lie is to tell the truth

  • 147.) If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.

  • 148.) Unicorns ARE real, they’re just fat and grey and we call them rhinos.

  • 149.) A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

  • 150.) A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous

  • 151.) Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.

  • 152.) When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.

  • 153.) Sometimes I think I’m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.

  • 154.) My kids hate that song “You Can Leave Your Hat On” by Tom Jones. You do ONE table dance at a parents’ evening…

  • 155.) Don`t you know it`s rude to talk while I`m interrupting?

  • 156.) Being hit on the head with a ‘Take That’ CD seems inevitable, really.

  • 157.) Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

  • 158.) Someone described me last night as a “cute ball of fun.” It concerns me that they must have got me at a very unfortunate angle.

  • 159.) Gravitation is not responsible for falling in love

  • 160.) I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone

  • 161.) We are born with two options: to be slave or master of our destiny.

  • 162.) Facebook is like a fridge. When you’re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there’s anything good in it.

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  • 163.) Do not go where a path may lead. Instead go where there is no path and leave a trail.

  • 164.) Love is not a matter of counting the years… But making the years count

  • 165.) A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

  • 166.) Dogs have masters. Cats have staff

  • 167.) Listening to radio, poised to call in as soon as I hear George Michael to win a prize. The screeching of brakes outside just cost me £1.

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  • 168.) Thinks I feel great when I go to bed drunk. I wake up feeling crap. Obviously sleep is bad for you.

  • 169.) My life, My choices, My mistakes, My lessons, Not your business.

  • 170.) Flirting is like a game of Chess. One wrong move….and you’re married

  • 171.) Don`t you know it`s rude to talk while I`m interrupting?

  • 172.) The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  • 173.) You know you are pissed off when Eminem starts to make sense.

  • 174.) Please tell me you will remember, no matter how much I do wrong, that I had the best of intentions all along.

  • 175.) Success is the problem but failure is the formula.. You can’t solve the problem without knowing the formula..

  • 176.) I saw a therapist about my body confidence issues and she talked about ‘the elephant in the room.’ Is this some reverse psychology?!?

  • 177.) The difference between CAN and CANNOT are only three letters. Three letter that determine your life direction.

  • 178.) You can’t beat going out with your 19-yr-old daughter. It’s like taking along your “before” picture.

  • 179.) “This love triangle is WAY too complicated.”—Pythagoras’ other woman

  • 180.) I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

  • 181.) We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.

  • 182.) When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

  • 183.) It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.

  • 184.) I’m not one to brag about my press exposure, but yes, it’s true what they’re saying in my local paper: I am, in fact, selling my couch.

  • 185.) I’m not getting older, I’m just becoming a classic..

  • 186.) Remember the Harlem Shake? I think we can all agree that was really stupid.

  • 187.) I`m jealous of my parents, i`ll never have a kid as cool as theirs…

  • 188.) If you are going to speak bad things about me on my back, come to me. I’ll tell you more.

  • 189.) When I stare at the sky, I see you. When I stare out into the ocean, I see you. When I’m looking at the moon, I see you. Geez! Would you move aside, you’re constantly getting in my way! –

  • 190.) If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.

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  • 191.) That awkward moment when you keep talking & you don`t realize your friend walked away.

  • 192.) Many people live under the illusion that they have none.

  • 193.) Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

  • 194.) Can I take your picture?? I love to collect pictures of natural disasters..

  • 195.) The life and love we create is the life and love we live

  • 196.) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

  • 197.) History is made by those who BREAK THE RULES.

  • 198.) Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?

  • 199.) I’m gonna strap a snowblower on my roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.

  • 200.) I may be old enough to know better, but I am STILL young enough to DO IT..

  • 201.) The only time I ever went “AWOL” was after burning my mouth on a very hot chip.

  • 202.) Some relationships are like tom and Jerry, they irritate each other, they tease each other, but they still can’t live without each other..

  • 203.) Did anyone else notice the sound if you click the like button on my status?

  • 204.) I can talk to hundreds of people in one day, but none of them compare to the smile you can give me in one minute.

  • 205.) Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.

  • 206.) The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

  • 207.) The best things in life are FREE …. Family, Friends, Smiles, Hugs, Kisses, Love, Sleep, Good Memories.

  • 208.) At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet

  • 209.) All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

  • 210.) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness

  • 211.) When someone says, “My husband left me for a younger woman,” I know it’s just an old wife’s tale.

  • 212.) Life is not always what we want it to be. Sometimes, it’s what we never knew we need it to be.

  • 213.) When someone doesn’t like something, it’s often because they’re not familiar with it, or they’re too familiar with it.

  • 214.) The only fence against the world is a thorough knowledge of it.

  • 215.) Being a teen in the ’80s has left me with a lot of questions. Like I wonder if Cameo ever found out what the word up was?

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